Church Family:

Have you ever wondered, “How will a boy know when he has become a man?”[1]  Whether you consciously think through the answer or not, it’s an important question.  If a boy doesn’t know when he’s arrived at manhood, he’ll never know what he’s supposed to do once he gets there.

Is it when he turns 18?  When he gets a job?  Joins the military?  Takes a woman to bed?  None of those provide a one-size-fits-all cutoff for manhood.  In American culture especially, that poses a problem.  When we don’t lay out clear expectations for a transition to manhood, we’re left with a generation full of nothing more than boys who can shave.

Adam vs. Adam

The two most prominent men in the Bible are Adam and Jesus.  Paul compares these two men to give us an example of what right looks like.  He calls the Adam of Genesis “the first Adam” and Jesus Christ “the last Adam.”  He basically sets up a “there are two kinds of men in the world” argument.  Those who pattern after the first Adam ultimately die, while those who follow the Second Adam win (1 Cor 15.22).[2]

What’s that look like on the ground?  Comparing Adam’s behavior in the Garden to Jesus’ approach to life gives us a good picture of what a man is supposed to look like.  Based on a quick reading of Gen 2.15-17, it looks like God placed Adam in Eden with three responsibilities: he has a will to obey (don’t eat the fruit), a work to do (cultivate the garden), and a woman to love (Eve).  This is what every man is put on earth to do.

Will to Obey

Solomon lived most of his life chasing women, building wealth, and cultivating knowledge.  However, near the end of his life he wrote: “Remember your Creator in the days of your youth.”[3]   Solomon’s dilemma was the same one faced by so many men today.  They never learn (or accept) the wisdom of having a will greater than their own.  Consequently, men live life without moral restraint only to “arrive”[4] and discover they have produced nothing of consequence.  As James Dobson put it, they “…climb the ladder of success only to find it’s leaning against the wrong building.”

How do you help your son avoid this?  By teaching him the wisdom in obeying God’s will.  He must learn what Christ learned: nourishment comes from doing the will of God (Jn 4.34).  Adam had the entire garden at his disposal but gave it up by failing to obey God’s will.  Jesus had the entire world on his shoulders, but stood tall because it was what He came to do (Mt 26.42).

So what?  Parents must teach their children to constantly ask one simple question: “What is the right thing to do?” (not: what is prudent, what feels good, or even what is the most practical)

Work to Do

The best gift we can give God is our own life fully lived.  God gifted your son in a way that makes him unique from everyone else (1 Pet 4.10).  It’s your job to help him figure out what those gifts are and then encourage him to pursue them for the glory of God.  To be clear: it’s NOT your job to teach him your design, your plans, and your ambition for his life.  God’s knows your boy better than you do.

How do you do that?  Expose him to a variety of experiences as a child: sports, the arts, multiple subjects and academic disciplines, etc.  Then encourage him by having an active interest in the areas he chooses for himself.

It’s not enough to stop there though.  We must impress on our sons their two-fold responsibility when it comes to work.  Men work to provide (1 Tim 5.8), and men work to build the Kingdom (2 Tim 2.15).  Our boys can’t see us do either one at the expense of the other.  So, he watches Dad take his place at the church AND he sees Dad faithfully lace up his boots and go to work every day.  Being too busy for Kingdom responsibilities or calling in sick to lead five weekly Bible studies is a failure either way.

Woman to Love

When the serpent showed up to tempt Eve, we’d expect to see her husband come running with a garden hoe ready to cut the thing’s head off.  We all know that’s not what happened though.  Instead, Adam adopted what may be one of the most non-manly character traits possible: passivity.  He became passive, idly standing by while she swallowed the hook (Gen 3.6).  Is anything different today?  How many men “tune out” the minute they walk in the door?  They become passive participants in their family’s affairs, confident that a paycheck is all they need from him.[5]

Jesus, on the other hand, came running when sin tempted his bride.  As Lewis put it: “[Jesus] refused to do nothing when sin encroached upon the created order.  He was spiritually and socially aggressive.”[6]  The Bible patterns relationships in the home after the structure of the church.

Ephesians 5:23 (NLT)
²³ For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church…

To avoid any confusion (and reject all forms of male passivity), Paul makes clear the man’s role in all of this:

Ephesians 5:25 (NLT)
²⁵ For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her

In real life, this means your son learns from you, dad, what it means to sacrificially love a woman in a way that puts his needs and desires second to hers.  Seize teachable moments as life happens in your home; actively instruct him in the way real men love, honor, protect, and provide for their wives.

Home is where life makes up its mind.  So, when the time comes for your son to decide what kind of man he will be, the one he saw living under your roof will have the greatest impact.  Show him what right looks like.

Chime In

How do you define manhood in your family?

Family Friday

Last week I told you to the key to a great relationship is becoming bilingual.  This post is a practical, “Here, try this…” guide to trying out your new skills.[1]

Christian psychologist and researcher Gary Chapman has spent over 30 years working with couples, and he’s discovered five primary ways men and women give and receive love.  He calls them love languages, and you shouldn’t attempt marriage without them!

1.     Words of Affirmation

Mark Twain said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”  That may be pushing the limits, but his point is clear: approval from those around us is a powerful thing.  Unfortunately, many couples never learn the power of a well-placed compliment.  In any marriage, it is always important to occasionally remind our spouse, “I want you to know I don’t take you for granted.”  But, if you’re married to someone who has words of affirmation as his/her primary love language, that phrase puts wind in their sails!

There are various dialects of this love language, so it’s up to you to figure out which one means the most to your spouse.  Here are a few examples of affirming speech:

• Words of encouragement: I believe in you.  I know you can do this.  If anyone’s able, it’s you.
• Compliments & praise: You look awesome in that suit.  Your hair is nice.  Your speech was fantastic!
• Gratitude: Thank you for mowing the grass.  Being your husband is a blessing.  I appreciate you so much.

• Keep a notebook:
  • (1) As you watch TV, read, listen to music, etc. jot down ideas, lyrics, specific compliments or encouraging words that you’d like to share with your spouse.  This way, you’ll always have a bank of powerful things to say that would lift their spirits or put an extra bounce in their step.
  • (2) Write down every time you compliment or praise your spouse.  At the end of the week, show her the paper as one more reminder of all the ways you’ve appreciated her that week.
• Be specific with your words.  Find ways to compliment or affirm your partner in a way so precise that they’ll know you’ve put thought and care into what you’re saying.
• Compliment in public—especially around peers, friends, coworkers, and/or family members.
• Compliment indirectly (when you’re not in his presence).  This way, when your words make their way back to your spouse, he’ll feel doubly blessed to know you’ve been “talking him up” to others.
• Do it in writing so it can be read over and over.

2.     Quality Time

Time is our most important resource because we can never make more of it.  When you give your husband/wife your time, you’re giving them a part of yourself you’ll never get back.  This speaks volumes to someone with quality time as her/his love language.  It’s important to understand, however, that quality time spent together does not mean proximity.  Simply being in the same house, room, or car does not constitute quality time[2].

Quality time means giving your undivided attention (turn off the TV!) to your wife/husband.  This communicates to her/him: “of all the things I could be doing right now, I’ve bypassed them all to spend time with you.”  This can be hard with so many gadgets, people, books, chores and varieties of bacon fighting for your attention.  You probably have some technology you’ll have to do without during this time.

At our house, this means not answering the phone during dinner, eating our meals at the table—together, leaving our cell phone in the other room, and turning the TV off during conversations.

Try This:

• Talk to each other by asking open-ended questions
• Find a set of hobbies you could do together
• Share “fun work” (gardening, yard work, cooking, etc.)
• Ask your spouse what quality time means to him/her

3.     Receiving Gifts

If receiving gifts is your spouse’s love language, don’t assume money is the issue.  Money isn’t the issue, and you’re not “buying your husband’s love.”  But, you are giving tangible gestures that symbolize your love in a way that is extremely powerful.  Symbols carry an emotional value (just think of your wedding ring); every time your spouse looks at the gifts you gave her, she is reminded that you thought of her AND took the time to follow through on those thoughts by getting a gift.

If this is your spouse’s language, learn a craft, plant a flower bed, take up calligraphy, stock up on cards, etc.  Just take the time to reflect on what he/she values and then find a way to tangibly present them with symbols of your interest.  Gifts given to your spouse are the best investment you can make; you’re investing in the person you’ll be with for the rest of your life!

Try This:

• If you travel often, make it a habit not to come home empty-handed.  Stop on the side of the road to pick a flower, bring a card, or start a tradition of bringing home a rock from everywhere you travel.  It need not be big nor expensive—just heart-felt.
• Ask family members or close friends for ideas on what they’d like or an item they’ve been talking about lately.
• Keep a notebook of items you’ve observed them noticing or commenting on.
• Space it out!  Most spouses would value twelve small gifts spaced out over a year rather than one big gift (think one rose given every month rather than a dozen given only once).
• Find out if your spouse would prefer practical gifts or symbolic/decorative ones.  Be sure you’re catering to their preferences, not yours.

4.     Acts of Service

This one is pretty simple: doing things you know your spouse would like you to do.  Any chore or act of service—if done willingly and with a positive spirit—can be an act of love.  Many men may default into showing love this way simply because it’s what we’re most comfortable with.  It’s in the male psyche to want something to do, fix, solve, or create.  If this is your wife’s primary language, great!  If not, you don’t have to stop showing love through your work, but you do need to adapt and learn to speak the language she prefers.

Whether you’re the husband or the wife, if this is your love language, don’t be afraid to ask for what you want.  Allowing your emotional needs to be neglected because you feel too guilty to “ask for favors” only does more harm to your marriage in the long run.  Acts of service can be as simple as making a cup of coffee, taking out the trash, or cleaning up after dinner.

Try This:

• Ask your spouse to make a list (honey-do list, to-do list, whatever).  At the top of the list write, “If you did these things, I would feel loved.”  Then ask your spouse to fill in the rest.  (Then do the things on the list)
• Observe your spouse’s routine and try to determine which tasks you could take off his plate.  Surprise him by having them done before he gets around to it.

5.     Physical Touch

The body is for touching.  Physical touch is a powerful vehicle for communicating love–especially within a marriage.  The way we apply physical touch can make or break a relationship.  It can communicate either hate or love.  If physical touch is your spouse’s language, ask her how she’d like you to make use of this gift.  In all five languages, your spouse is the best source for learning what works and what won’t work.

Of our five senses, touch is the only one not limited to one localized area.  The whole body can become a canvas for communicating love.  Sexual intercourse can be a powerful dialect, but it is only one dialect of many in this language.  Don’t neglect: holding hands, playing with each other’s hair, kissing, hugging, back rubs, footsie under the table, etc.

Try This:

• Touch in public.  It communicates: “Even with all of these people here, you are the one I choose to touch.”
• Learn to be a good masseur/masseuse.  (take a class or read a book)
• Initiate sex by starting with a foot massage and working your way around the entire body
• Never leave for the day without a goodbye kiss.  Make a habit of kissing whenever you come home as well.

Conclusion

The bottom line: everyone performs better at life when our love tank is full.  Learn to speak your spouse’s love language in a way that zeroes in on their deepest desires.  You’ll never get what you want out of marriage by depriving your spouse of what they want, so learn to give him/her goose bumps again!

Chime In

What do you do to speak your mate’s love language?

Love Languages: Which One do You Speak?

Have you ever tried to speak to someone who didn’t know English?  Maybe you were in a foreign country or on the phone with someone working overseas?  It didn’t matter how hard you tried, how sincere your intentions were, or how loud you raised your voice, the other person just couldn’t understand what you were saying.  And, that wasn’t going to change until one of you learned another language.

Being married can be a lot like that (although, hopefully not as frustrating).  Everyone experiences love in an entirely different way—sometimes so differently that it’s as if we’re married to someone from another country.  And, until you learn to speak their “love language,” you’ll forever frustrate your efforts to show him/her true love.

Step One

The first step to loving your partner is learning another language.  You don’t have to learn Spanish or Italian[1], but you do have to learn the love language spoken by your spouse.  Being sincere isn’t enough if you’re not saying or doing the things your wife or husband values most.  Some husbands buy their wives gifts to show love (because that’s what they’d appreciate) when she’d prefer quality time with him.  Then they’re twice as frustrated when they’re broke AND the wife still feels unloved.  Or, a wife may do little acts of service for her husband (again, because she’d be thrilled if he washed the dishes for her), but what he really values is a good compliment[2] or word of affirmation.

Frustrating?  Absolutely.  Easy to overcome?  Yes…if you’re willing to do the work.  Next week I’ll break down all five “love languages” and give you some easy steps for trying out your new linguistic skills.  For now, I want to give you a few pointers for figuring out which language you speak.

Here they are, the Five Love Languages[3]:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

What’s Your Language?

Men: before you decide that physical touch is your language, hold on.  Virtually all men like sex[4], but that doesn’t mean it’s their primary language.  If you do not enjoy physical touch at other times—in nonsexual ways—it’s probably not your love language.  The love language is what makes you feel most loved by your spouse.

Chapman suggests three questions for discovering your language:

1. What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply?
   1. The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.
2. What have you most often requested of your spouse?
   1. The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
3. In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse?
   1. Your method of expressing love may be an indication that that would also make you feel loved.^[5]

Answer those three questions in light of the five languages defined above.  Then, ask your spouse to answer them.

Step two:

Come back next week to get practical suggestions for trying out your new skills.

Chime In

What is Your Love Language?

Lost that Loving Feeling?

Last week we defined love as a three-sided triangle (passion, intimacy, and commitment).  We usually judge the love in our relationship by looking at only one leg of the triangle.  If the passion is gone, we assume we’ve “fallen out of love.”  But, the good news is: we still have other pieces of the triangle.

Intimacy steps up to keep things warm if passion is running dry, and there’s the old-fashioned, grownup word “commitment” to help us “stick it out” when things are really rough.  But, nobody wants to live like that forever.  Marriage without passion is boring; love without intimacy is shallow.[1]

So, what happens to love after the wedding?  Everybody has asked themselves that question at some point.  We start singing the Righteous Brothers’ tune “Lost that Loving Feeling” and worry that our marriage is going to end up as another statistic.[2]  Psychologist and relationship researcher Dr. Dorothy Tennov says most couples “fall out of the love obsession” after two years of marriage.  Then what?  For those committed to not being another statistic, are they doomed to a lifetime of misery and loneliness?

For many that answer is yes.  They fall out of love, feel resentful and trapped, and end up hating the next 40 years of their life.  It doesn’t have to be that way though.  Marriage—every marriage—has the potential to be glorious…if you’re willing to do the hard work.  The truth is this: love is a choice much more than it is a feeling.  We all want to feel love, but few are willing to do the things required to generate the feelings.

Feelings Lie

And, this is where most marriages go wrong.  We wait (and wait and wait and wait…) for the feelings to be right before we act in a loving way to our spouse.  In reality though, our minds work the opposite: It is much easier to act your way into a feeling than to feel your way into an action.   There is no end to the ways you can act your way into a feeling; I’ll be discussing all kinds of fun things over the weeks to come.  But, it will always come down to this: Are you willing to deny yourself for the sake of your marriage?

If your marriage isn’t what you’d like it to be now, I challenge YOU to be the hero of your relationship[3], lay down your demands, and embrace the selfless teachings of Jesus.  Love your husband or wife the way they need to be loved before you feel like it.  Be a catalyst for change.  You will never get what you need by denying your spouse what they need.

If your marriage is already great, good for you!  Do me two favors: (1) Share your secret with us, and (2) Keep reading anyway.  Every marriage can get better!

Chime In

How have you and your spouse worked to regain that loving feeling?